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I Tried to Sleep in a Casket and All I Got Was This Stupid Blog

Image for article titled I Tried to Sleep in a Coffin and All I Have Is This Stupid Blog

image: Gizmodo

A few weeks ago, G/O Media delivered a coffin to the office. We received a crimson burial item from Titan Casket because of my colleague, Kevin Hurler, has made Taylor Swift an aspect of his personality that can be exploited on blogs, and this coffin (with a different color) was featured in her Anti-Hero music video. . Naturally, he managed to sleep in it, lasted about 30 minutes, and spent the rest of his day.

I don’t have any particular feelings about Taylor Swift (she’s fine, I guess? No nuance for Swifties, neither do you) but I do. care about much About one couple difference Vampire Show and I have a deep and enduring need to commit little by little in every situation. Naturally, I scheduled with the coffin and offered my editor a pitch: “What if I was going to sleep in a coffin? like a vampire?”

We discussed a few different options: open or close the lid? (Open, just to be on the safe side, although this is quickly overlooked during the day.) Will I spend the night in the coffin or during the day? (Obviously during the day, that’s when vampires sleep, duh.) Can I tweet from the coffin? (Absolutely not, my editor said. I did anyway because I thought it would be fun. Fuck.) Should I dress up as a vampire? (We agreed, but then I realized I would have to wear a vampire costume in a coffin for hours and hours and I decided not to. Sorry, I’m really upset about this.) Would Molly Taft, another colleague, dress like that? Guillermo de la Cruz and stand guard over my coffin? (Yes, they would. However, they didn’t.) With all these details sorted, I went into the office.

There is only one small obstacle. I’m still alive. Everyone knows that vampires are immortal beings of the night, and I am still a living, breathing member of the human race. Lucky for me, Death is walking into the office.

Kirby Howell-Baptiste, an English actress who appeared on Killing New Year’s Eve, good placeand Cruellaalso played Death of the Endless on Netflix sand Man, adapted from the famous comic by Neil Gaiman. It happened that on the day I was scheduled to crawl into the coffin to meet the undead like a gentleman, Death himself decided to drop by. Naturally, I had to show her my coffin, and she immediately tried it on, got it ready for its next inhabitant (me) and was generally delighted. After we talked (full interview coming soon!) I decided I was ready. It’s time to die.

Image for article titled I Tried to Sleep in a Coffin and All I Have Is This Stupid Blog

I entered the coffin. I know I told my editor I wasn’t going to tweet, but I’m a monster, and I brought my phone, book, and flashlight into the coffin. My excuse is that I’m sure modern vampires carry their phones and Claudia in Interview with a Vampire She always carries small notebooks in her coffin, so bringing a book in doesn’t have to be an overwhelming task. And then, time decides. Should I close the lid or not?

RIP with Kevin Hurler, but I’m different. I decided that today was the day I would go to girlboss (not girls) too close to the sun. I closed the lid. If I’m going to do this, I’ll commit. The coffin lid closed and I lay on my back, staring at the pale white satin lining the coffin and I thought to myself, you know, this really isn’t so bad. And then, I fell asleep.

I woke up a few hours later, a little confused, a little dehydrated, but mostly fine. But I have reached a decisive point. We have determined that I can sleep in a coffin; Now is my chance to call this a success, bail out of my zombie prison and do real work. But it’s still five hours until sunset (on that day in New York City, the sun goes down at 4:36 p.m.) and I’m already feeling pretty cozy, and you know what, my mom doesn’t never give up. I’m in that coffin.

And then it’s lunch time. I annoyed my boss, who reminded me that under our union contract I get a lunch break and since I really can’t live on human blood (supposedly this is just an assumption), I can leave the coffin to go get food. However, he said, I have to eat lunch in the coffin. It was a deal, but I was hungry, and I made a deal. That’s why, about 30 minutes later, I’m sitting in the coffin with a bowl of burrito and a cup of kombucha, and Justin Rodriguez took this very excellent photo of me to send to my editor as a copy. proof. I attach it below.

Image for article titled I Tried to Sleep in a Coffin and All I Have Is This Stupid Blog

Now, stretch the house. I slid back to my resting position and tried to get some more sleep. There are no dice. I managed to strap a flashlight around my neck, put the book right on top of the coffin, and read a chapter or two before my hands got tired. Ironically, the book is a horror novel by T. Kingfisher called The house has good bones. I encourage that. Very scary. It came out in March. Regardless, it doesn’t make me any more sleepy.

There is something I should mention the coffin. They were not created with body temperature in mind. Very quickly, I discovered that my small body (which was already quite warm in the first place) was not made for a coffin. I was very warm. Not warm enough to convince me to leave the coffin, but certainly warm enough to make me a little chilly. It’s not ideal, but I’m a military man, and I can honestly say I’ve slept in less than ideal conditions like a warm, dry coffin in the middle of an open central office. Manhattan. Ask me about the summer I slept outside, in a hammock, on a boat, literally through mild storms. Now that’s a real challenge.

So I kept tweeting from time to time, some of my colleagues came to say hello and talk to me, and I waited until the end of the day. I opened the casket, for a little while, talking to my teammates. I think it’s weird that when I’m literally sleeping in a coffin in the middle of the workday, I can also look them straight in the eye while talking to them, while lying on my stomach, in a coffin. . I have a very serious job.

I'm resting and I'm doing well, really, I'm perfectly fine

I’m resting and I’m doing well, really, I’m perfectly fine

And then, as I waited the last 30 minutes in the warm, slightly damp coffin smelling of ozone and pollo adobo, I asked myself. Can I do this every day? Can I put myself in a coffin, sleep through the sunny hours, and then wake up, fresh, a longing and ferocious messenger of darkness? Will I be able to endure the endless brooding as the people around me work, gossip and take the union lunch break, doing the things that once made me who I am, the things that I can will never join again, when I live like a demon in the shadows? Can I bear to live with myself in the nominal bardo of life and death, torn between my former self and the infinite expanse of an immortal future?

Yes, buddy. Sure. No question in my mind can I hack it. Coffin? No problem. Human pie. Blood? I mean… I’ll be there when I get there, but what if I don’t? I am ready. I was fully prepared to take the next steps of becoming the undead, accepting the Dark Gift, and being reborn as a goddamn, evil, damn vampire. Consider this test run a success. Give it to me. I’m ready to live the full night after the afterlife.

So ended my experiment on vampireism, after spending six intermittent hours in a coffin.. Not bad. I emerged from saying coffin, withers like an Arizona cactus in the summer, but I still emerge. Maybe that’s why vampires have such a strong thirst. Coffins are not made to keep them moist. Something for coffin makers to think about. Based on What do we do in the dark, every actor who has ever played a vampire on screen is actually a vampire who just pretends to be a human actor. This is very meaningful. I met a few of those actors, actually. One or two of them might even remember me. It seems like all I need to do to complete my transformation is find Sam Reid and ask him to turn me into Sampire. I mean, a vampire. One vampire! You get it. I will let you know how it works out.

Want more news about io9? Check out the latest scheduled times Marvel, Star Warsand interstellar travel release, what’s next for DC Universe on Film and TVand everything you need to know about James Cameron’s Avatar: The Road of Water.

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